Don't be a pillock

  • Hummusgate

    It’s a scandal. The nation is up in arms. What now? A catastrophe! Supermarkets have started selling pots of own-brand hummus without resealable lids! This is a step too far. Environmentalism taken to extremes. How will we survive decanting it into another container? Or putting a saucer on top? Surely this is the death of…

  • Big Bigly Fitna

    BIG BIGLY FITNA. SO BAD, IT MUST BE TYPED IN CAPITALS. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED. Salams all. It’s been brought to our attention that a sheikh you’ve never heard of is embarking on a tour of the UK. Our sheikh, whom you’ve also never heard of, has made it clear to us, whom you’ve never met,…

  • Out phishing

    Ooh, I’ve got referrers, how exciting. I must check them out. No, but not by clicking on the link directly. Let’s google your domain. What’s that? It’s a parked domain? No, never! Ah, but only the root. The subdomain is live and kicking, hosted on Digital Ocean, with email provided by Proton Mail, the Swiss…

  • Trolls

    It’s so refreshing that racism is back in fashion, and we no longer have to obscure our prejudices. For most of the past two decades, we had to pretend that our racism was all about ideology and had some intellectual basis. “My only beef is with Muslamic extremism,” we’d say, certain that none could disagree….

  • Cancel culture

    It is with regret that I have decided to cancel my world tour in protest of cancel culture. Waffle-waffle, something about wokeism, yes I am cutting-egde, risqué, daring-even. The newspapers love this stuff. Oh, and don’t forget to buy my book. See, I am still relevant.

  • Wingnuts

    Clearly it is a Muslamic conspiracy. It started with forcing the whole nation to make wudu every time they sneezed. Then we saw clinicians donning turquoise jilbab — well those who could get it, anyway. Now they want to force the whole nation into niqab. And all you sheeple are sleepwalking straight into it. Wake up…

  • Rich man’s burden

  • Tommy Aid

  • A truly dreadful organisation

    Dear members, We don’t often call other organisations out by name, but frankly the state of membership of the Biscuit Dunking Society is so perilous, so flaccid, so lax, that it merits us causing a humongous controversy for all to see, in order to increase the standing of our society in the eyes of the…

  • Sunnamail

    If you’re going to email me to tell me something I’m doing is not from the Sunnah, you should at least use a communication method from the Sunnah, such as despatching personal messengers on horseback to deliver the message on a piece of parchment inscribed in non-vowelled Arabic to emphasise the point.